Today of all days, I am finally feeling the weight of life lift off my shoulders. My status as of now: Mom (always going to be a mom!), Student, derailed Gluten Free Vegetarian, Divorcee, and in debt.
With the latter looming over my thoughts like a bad dream, they have become a reality. I go to sleep each night, pushing back the thousands of pointless thoughts at that very moment. After a good 1-2 punch, I finally fall asleep. Tossing and turning, I wake myself up because I am remembering yet, one more thing to deal with when the business hours come alive.
Yesterday, I finally was able to file my divorce. I was so happy. Yes, happy. This was amazing. No lawyers, no contest, not even a penny was spent filing. The ability to do such a devastating event with grace and poise was an achievement all on its own. If all goes well, I will be free again by March 2017 of next year.
On top of the divorce, because now this whole court adventure has settled to the bottom, is being a student. one day, not too long ago, I had the ambition to doctor. While I still want to become this amazing renowned woman for her time, I also want a mental break. I will bachelor in May of 2017, and I will also become $25k in debt (not to mention the bad debt too). I am humbled to be a part of a wonderful world of educated people. I am not so grateful for the kind flaming bag of shit it left at my door step called: “Student Debt.” All in all, this is my next achievement: file a dispute to dissolve the loans! I will finish school and know that I am among a selection of people who have their Bachelor’s Degree and probably, debt.
With the debt comes responsibility: a classic JOB. I must turn my degree into a well paying CAREER. Not just the classic J.ust O.ver B.roke acronym. This is the tricky part. I want to move out of California. While I love the weather most of all, I do not love the cost of living. So, my job search has taken me to places suxh as, Texas, and possibly, Arkansas (where my Sissy lives). My Sissy is pleading with me on all angles to move to North West Arkansas. I, on the other hand, keep telling myself that Houston is the place to thrive. There I would have some of the top corporate careers to chase after and a cute cowboy!
Here’s comes my diet: derailed. That is the only answer I can give. I have let go my ambition to stand my ground and not let what others say affect my want of tasty food, get in my way! I learned that, I just need to eat less. A lot less. Small portions, and about 25k (there’s that number again…) steps a day. That’s where my PE job came into play. But, that job was so stressful, I made very bad choices. Some that I will never be proud of. That is where the divorce started (well marriage, then divorce, of course). Back to food, because that seems to be a better idea! My favorite thing to eat is everything. My favorite exercise: squats. Here’s to me keeping true to my goals.
Lastly, but surely not the least by all means, being a Mom. I miss my son each day he is away at school. While he is there, I feel as though I am the one who is away at school. For the first time in his young life, he is finally in a place where he can learn and get somewhere with his education. Every morning I wake up and feel the missing part of me: my child. Driving him to school was a ritual. We would talk about Happy things, and it would bring him to a place that no one could bring down. I miss those days.
At the end of each day, while I try and suppress my anxiety, I remember that is is always getting better. One more day to what I really want. And as for what I really want, I am not all that decided. I do know that I am very grateful to be myself and have the intellectual ability to thrive in the toughest situations.
My status quo is always changing. I know that if I control the changes, I have only myself to thank. Life is too short to live and not try. My life is more like a status, and not the quo.